Ways to be more ladylike
Sexy jammies (at least twice as sexy as sweatpants)
Success. Sexyish jammies have been acquired. I look like I poached the last of the critically endangered fancy satin leopards for their pelts. Must stop looking sad over this new thought, as I did not poach anything.
Find luxurious looking cat to lie on bed luxuriously. 8
There is a cat lying on the bed, waiting to be painted like one of your French girls, but he is not a luxurious cat. He is a ginger tom with a tattered ear from a long ago fight, a weight problem, and a face like a goat. Still, it is ladylike to be graceful and not too critical over his less-than-luxurious appearance. Half success.
Cat and satin leopard pelted knee. Ladylike? Yes.
3. Learn to like a ladylike drink. Call it a ‘tipple’.
Abject failure. Perhaps I am being too critical, but I cannot seem to move past the lighter fluid and death aftertaste of choices like brandy. Perhaps drinking beer from a glass instead of the bottle will work.
Learn man pleasing recipes to please Johnny Rotten.
Very good progress. I now know men like the trio of meat, potatoes and gravy thanks to a copy of Farm Journal’s Country Cookbook. I have been doing it wrong until now, but I can certainly change that. Gravy for all the meals!
5. Find a non-zombie-related jello mold for the other recipes in this book. It seems required, and serving a shimmering beef salad molded in the shape of the brain doesn’t seem ladylike. Also? It is tough to decoratively place olives in a brain mold.
Classy in a ring. Gauche as a brain or severed hand. Must not be gauche.
6. Practice not cursing like a sailor with a stubbed toe. Speak in cultured, dulcet tones instead.
Failure. Nothing more can be said, as it will undoubtedly be said in the tones of an enraged fishwife.
I must keep working. I really feel Im on the edge of glory with this.