Nine volt apple pie

This is a note to myself, so that next time I want to make apple pie, I wont hulksmash through the kitchen trying to remember what I did and how I did it. Maybe you’re not a hulksmash baker, but I am. Not remembering how much sugar I need makes me angry, and you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Ahem. Back on task.

Nine Volt Apple Pie*

Makes 2 9″ pies.

– 4 pie crusts, ready made, unless you feel like dallying about with making pastry. Making pastry makes me angry and sweary, so I don’t. Judge if you must.

– 10 or so granny smith apples, cored, peeled, and sliced.

– 1/2 cup butter.

– 3 tablespoons allpurpose flour.

– 1 teaspoon (or more, or less, or whatever you feel like) ground cinnamon. Note: paprika and cayenne both kind of look like cinnamon, but really should not be substituted for it 99% of the time. Who knew?

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract.

– 1 cup demerara sugar

– 1/4 cup water

1. Preheat over to 425F.

2. Put the bottom crusts into the pie tins. Trim off excess.

3. Pile sliced apples into the pie crusts evenly.

4. Slice the other two pie crusts into one inch strips and make a lattice crust. Over, under, over, under….just like that basketweaving class you took in college instead of calculus!

5. Admire your work or vow to learn weaving, as the case may be.

6. Melt the butter in a sauce pan. Add the flour. Once all the flour has been incorporated, add the sugar and water and bring to a boil. Stir-stir-stir! Burnt sugar smells terrible. You do not want this. It will make you angry and sweary.

7. Pour the sugarbutterflourwater mix over the pies evenly and slowly, so it doesn’t splosh everywhere, because sploshing is messy and gross. Don’t believe? Google it. Filters off, of course, for full NSFW understanding. You don’t want that nonsense in your kitchen.

8. Put in preheated oven for 15 mins. Lower the heat to 350 and allow to bake for another 40 minutes or so.

9. Let cool, and either slice it up if you’re fancy, or just grab a fork.


*– Please note: while this is called nine volt apple pie, it is not actually recommended to put batteries in it. Cranberries would be okay, as would walnuts or raisins. But no batteries. Thank you.

Im on the edge of ladylike glory

Ways to be more ladylike

1. Sexy jammies (at least twice as sexy as sweatpants)

Success. Sexyish jammies have been acquired. I look like I poached the last of the critically endangered fancy satin leopards for their pelts. Must stop looking sad over this new thought, as I did not poach anything.

2. Find luxurious looking cat to lie on bed luxuriously.8

There is a cat lying on the bed, waiting to be painted like one of your French girls, but he is not a luxurious cat. He is a ginger tom with a tattered ear from a long ago fight, a weight problem, and a face like a goat. Still, it is ladylike to be graceful and not too critical over his less-than-luxurious appearance. Half success.


Cat and satin leopard pelted knee. Ladylike? Yes.

3. Learn to like a ladylike drink. Call it a ‘tipple’.

Abject failure. Perhaps I am being too critical, but I cannot seem to move past the lighter fluid and death aftertaste of choices like brandy. Perhaps drinking beer from a glass instead of the bottle will work.

4. Learn man pleasing recipes to please Johnny Rotten.

Very good progress. I now know men like the trio of meat, potatoes and gravy thanks to a copy of Farm Journal’s Country Cookbook. I have been doing it wrong until now, but I can certainly change that. Gravy for all the meals!


5. Find a non-zombie-related jello mold for the other recipes in this book. It seems required, and serving a shimmering beef salad molded in the shape of the brain doesn’t seem ladylike. Also? It is tough to decoratively place olives in a brain mold.


Classy in a ring. Gauche as a brain or severed hand. Must not be gauche. 

6. Practice not cursing like a sailor with a stubbed toe. Speak in cultured, dulcet tones instead.

Failure. Nothing more can be said, as it will undoubtedly be said in the tones of an enraged fishwife.

I must keep working. I really feel Im on the edge of glory with this.