I don’t even.
Surely that ad was a mistake, and they’d never run something so completely insane again right?
Today, I really didn’t housewife it up much because the lovely Johnny Rotten and I were out shopping. I finally
harangued sweet talked him into going out to look for a dining room table that ISN’T a patio set reject from before we were married, and surprise of all surprises, he not only agreed to look, but we are having a Duncan!! Phyfe!! reproduction!! from 1940ish!!! dining room set!!! delivered some time within the next week.
I guess I’m both cute and vitamin-enriched lately, because he just couldn’t resist my pleas for a real table.
So anyway, I’m 31 flavors of stoked about that, but I really didn’t do anything midcentury at all today, other than the daily tidying up that has become the norm around here. I’ll be posting photos the moment the set arrives, because YOU-GUYS-ITS-SO-PRETTY-AND-AWESOME!!!
Speaking of pretty and awesome though, did you know that you’re not? I mean, I personally think you totally are, and I mean that for each and every one of you, but the 1940s, 1950s, and 1960s would beg to differ. In fact, they’ve been meaning to talk to you about a few things.
First of all, your stocking maintenance has really been lacking lately, and you spouse can no longer admire you.
And if you aren’t serving him breakfast in bed on your knees while he’s inexplicably dressed in a suit and tie, you’re wifing so wrong.
I mean, he’s willing to be benevolent, but let’s face it, you’re pretty inept at ALL THE THINGS. Sorry to tell you, but you need to know.
Even if you’re an outstanding cook, and your choice of coffee is superb, you’d still better not get older. Your husband won’t love you any more, and understandably so. Girl, THAT SKIN. Stop it.
It’s not just middle aged women with middle aged skin that go unloved. If you don’t brush with the right toothpaste, 4 out of 5 dentists agree that your husband will stray.
But really, there’s one problem that’s more of a problem than the rest of your (many, many, many) problems.
You haven’t cleaned your nether regions with Lysol, and you suck as a person. More importantly, you suck as a wife.
No. He would not. In fact, it seems pretty clear that you disgust him in every single way he could ever think of, and even in a few ways he hadn’t thought of. Maybe you should go talk to your friends instead?
Just kidding. You disgust them too.
Holy cow, you guys. I need a cookie and a hug just for reading through all of those.