Election Predictions, and you KNOW it’s not over tomorrow, right?

I’m pretty vocal about being tired of this election nonsense, which makes me pretty awesome and also pretty unpopular. I really feel that with the lies and treachery and confrontations, I have been held hostage in front of a 24 hour Dynasty marathon for the last two years, only without the fancy hats, the exclamations of “you BITCH!” and slapfests.
All of these would have made it better. Seriously, think about it. There is nothing in the world that cannot be made more interesting by approaching it a Joan Collins kind of way.
A friend tried to cheer me up by telling me it’s almost over, and it’s true. This phase of it is. Unfortunately, we’re set to move into the next phase at 7 o’clock tomorrow evening.  Are you all ready for more analysis than you ever thought possible? I am not, but I know it’s coming, as is the “I knew it all along! I told you… remember? When I said this thing might happen? I AM AN EXPERT.” thing. Brace yourselves.

Just so I’m not poking you in the ribs tomorrow night with my “I told you so”s, here are my predictions:

1) Someone will win.

2) Millions of people will be thrilled.

3) Someone else will lose.

4)Millions of people (probably different millions than the first batch I mentioned) will be terribly upset. Some will even go so far as to threaten to move to different countries to protest this.

5) No one will be moving anywhere, because it’s a lot easier to say than do.

6) The words ‘fraud’ and ‘recount’ will be said so many times that they will stop sounding like words and start sounding like verbal typos and/or fungal infections that one catches from the tile floor at the local public pool.

7) There will be snark. Oh Lord, there will be snark. It won’t even be good, funny snark, unless MST3K is hosting election coverage and no one bothered to tell me.

8)I will realize that there are lots of things no one bothered to tell me. Not just about the elections, but probably about school forms that need signing and dog food that needs to be purchased too.

9) At some point, I will see a voter on tv who has so much bluster about his team winning that I will wonder if  he has confused this with a football game. I will say something about this, and Johnny Rotten will remind me that it’s a weird comment for me to make because I don’t actually know anything about football. He will then try to explain the rules to me, again. They wont sink in, again.

10) Manchild will vote for the very first time. He will be very excited and will chatter our ears off about it, which is awesome because hooray democracy! And hooray becoming an adult!

So. What are YOUR predictions? Lay ’em on me.


There are people in need out there. Its my duty to help.

I checked my stats this morning, and I learned that I am already helping people!

Someone searched for ‘cold wax stuck’, as you can see. They found my illuminating and more-terrifying-than-a-bird-in-a-clown-suit post about the perils of cold wax. I’m guessing that because of me, they were either able to unstick scissors or a guinea pig–or a guinea pig wielding scissors– from their hoo-hah, which pretty much puts me right on course for some kind of humanitarian award in the field of hoo-hah saving.

As an aside here, and this is kind of important, ‘hoo-hah’s are not the same as ‘hooah’s. When Johnny Rotten was in the army, they said ‘hooAH’ a lot. It’s kind of just a grunt of ‘yes I heard you and yes we’re totally going to do whatever it is you’re asking Go Team Army!” kind of noise. Of course, ‘hoo-HAH’ is slang for vagina.  I can’t tell you how many times I nearly busted up laughing at Very Important Events because to my ear, it sounded like whole herds of soldiers were enthusiastically yelling the equivalent to “coochiesnorcher!” during inspirational times of whatever meeting they were attending. Yes, I am well aware of how immature I am. Yes, I totally think it should happen anyway. I’m an soon-to be awardwinning expert in this field, remember?